Old-Ass VHS Review, Volume 3: Married With Children – “My Dinner With Anthrax”

Y’know who doesn’t like Married…With Children?   Fascists (for all I know) and self-righteous religious types, that’s who. Since I am neither of those things, I, of course, love it to the ends of the earth. I even wrote a paper about it years ago for a 300-level college history class (and I got an “A” on that sumbitch, too boot!).

Way way back, Indianapolis, Indiana had a TV station known as TTV-4, or to most people, just “Channel 4” (it later became an affiliate for The WB, then a CW affiliate, and just recently, it became Central Indiana’s CBS affiliate, which, for reasons I can’t really explain, seriously fucks with my worldview), which was an independent station that during the day aired cartoons (morning and afternoon), talk shows, original children’s programming, and old TV shows in syndication (The Brady Bunch was one of the most common).  In the evening, movies, Indiana University basketball games, and other syndicated TV shows (Sanford and SonM*A*S*H, the 1960’s Adam West Batman (Julie Newmar’s Catwoman taught me a lot about growing up),  Mama’s Family, Diff’rent Strokes,  etc.), and on Saturday evenings, Hoosier Millionaire, a game show featuring contestants who won their spot on the show by playing the state lottery.

When Married…With Children began airing in syndication on Channel 4,  I was stoked.  The Fox affiliate station in Indianapolis didn’t have a strong enough signal to reach us out in the middle of nowhere (as I’ve mentioned previously in this blog, I grew up without cable television), and the signal from Louisville was weak and not easy to watch (that didn’t stop me from watching it, but it looked static-y and terrible), so I finally got a chance to see one of my favorite shows with an almost cable-TV-like clarity.

When the episode featuring Anthrax aired, I had to tape it, because I knew I might never see it again (living in the pre-internet era was hard, y’all!).  Like many Old-Ass VHS Tapes, I still own this one, and it lives in a box in my basement, only to get trotted out from time to time when I’m feeling nostalgic.  Without further ado, here’s the Old-Ass VHS Review of Season 6, Episode 18 of Married…With Children, “My Dinner With Anthrax” (original airdate: 2/23/92 – Quick note: I started writing this review sometime back in October or so and didn’t get around to finishing it. Then today I randomly decided to finish it, only to realize after finishing that the episode aired 23 years ago today!).

MarcyfrisksFrankie

The band’s interaction with Marcy is priceless. Also, dig that RIP Magazine polo shirt!

 

The Basics:

No case to protect this one.  The tape was originally a 30-ish minute cartoon tape (most likely purchased at Big Lots) entitled Porky Pig and Friends, which featured two Porky Pig cartoons followed by two completely unrelated Warner Brothers cartoons, a cash grab by some unscrupulous company that clearly had no idea (or perhaps did not care) who Porky Pig’s friends actually were. (Side note: one of the other cartoons was called “The Dover Boys at Pimento University”, and it was (and is) hilarious, and you should look it up on your own time.) Written on the label is “Gallagher: Over Your Head”, which I’d taped half of off Channel 4 prior to the airing of “My Dinner With Anthrax”.

The tape begins with the end credits to The Golden Girls, flowing directly into commercials for Miller Genuine Draft Light and the Rad-n-Bad Arenacross Nationals, which the internet tells me were held at the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis on February 5, 1993.  The episode begins after this, with the commercials mostly cut out, and it’s pretty straightforward.  If you haven’t seen it, you should; it’s a good one.  I used to think the band members were pretty terrible actors, but honestly, when I watched it recently for this review, I was pleasantly surprised to find that they weren’t as bad as I’d always remembered.

After the episode ends, the tape cuts into a feature on the Phoenix Suns, featuring Gilbert Gottfried.  I used to be a Phoenix Suns fan back in the Charles Barkley days, which is also when I last gave any kind of a shit about basketball.  Sometimes I’m not very good at being from Indiana.

The Extras:

A trailer for National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 was fun to see, as was the commercial for “the new Cutlass Ciera, starting at ‘thirteen nine ninety-five'”.

The Highlights:

Anthrax on Married…With Children is a highlight unto itself.

The VHS-ness:

The picture is a little fuzzy throughout, but the quality is pretty good overall, especially considering the age of the tape, and the number of times I’ve watched it.  It does get a bit rolly and choppy when the band starts talking, but I imagine I’ve watched that part more than the rest of the episode.  The sound is decent.

The Bottom Line:

As with my other Old-Ass VHS Tapes, you’re welcome to come over and watch this one with me.  You don’t even have to bring your own beer for this one, since it’s less than 30 minutes long (although if you wanna stay and watch one of the other Old-Ass VHS Tapes afterward, you should probably BYOB).  YouTube doesn’t have the full episode up for free, so here’s a clip.

That’s all for today, friends.  Stay heavy, always.

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More Loose Ends and Random Bits

I’ve been neglecting this blog for a while now, and I wish I could say for certain that I’m back at it on a regular basis, but unfortunately, I just don’t have the time to do it up properly, so for now, I’ll continue sporadically updating on what I’ve been up to since my last update.

The main thing I’ve been up to that pertains to metal is that I am now also writing for Global Thrash Assault, an awesome website run by fellow thrash fanatic Chad.  I’ve written two reviews so far, both for albums by bands I’d never even heard of until Chad sent me the assignments, and I’ve really enjoyed both of them.  Greek thrashers Biotoxic Warfare lay down some dark and angry blackened thrash on their full-length debut Lobotomized, and Italian “Moshing Maniax” Blindeath combine dirty NWOBHM-style proto-thrash with balls out mid-to-late 80’s pure thrash metal and deliver an adrenaline-fueled kick to the crotch called Into the Slaughter that you’ll return to again and again.  Both albums are highly recommended.

One odd/interesting thing I’ve noticed during my relative blogging silence is that my post entitled “The Ten Best Thrash Metal Ballads of All Time” has been viewed at least once every single day since I first posted it back in mid-September, lending considerable evidence to my assertion that lists are the only thing most people read on the internet these days.  I noticed a couple of days ago that it was the second link listed if you search “thrash metal ballads” on the Google, which was very exciting, and I just now searched it on Google again to make sure it was still number two, and it is, in fact, number one now, which is obviously even more exciting.  So thanks, whoever keeps looking at my nearly five month old post!

Also, at least once a week, someone finds my blog by searching the internet for some variation of “bill kelliher haircut” or “brent hinds tattoo”, which I find endlessly amusing, and I can only assume that most of those people have not become regular readers of Stay Heavy.

I’ve got a ton of topics cookin in my brain, and eventually you’ll see the continuation of the Voivod saga, another Old-Ass VHS Review or two, some more reviews, some more mixtapes (which I will clearly refer to as “The Best (Whatever) of All Time” now, so that people will actually look at them), some more Metal in the Mainstream adventures, and a whole lot more.

That’s all I got for now.  Here’s some live Exodus with metal madman Paul Baloff on vocals, because today is the thirteenth anniversary of his death from a stroke at the age of 41.  The song begins at around 2:30.

“…and it ain’t about no trout!  This song is called…”

RIP, you crazy fucker.

Stay heavy.  It’s what Paul Baloff would’ve wanted.

A Sort of Review of Coffinworm’s IV.I.VIII

Coffinworm – IV.I.II

Produced, recorded, and mixed by Sanford Parker.

Mastered by Collin Jordan.

Release Date: March 18, 2014, Profound Lore Records

Genre-defying noisy metallic Indianapolis, Indiana juggernaut Coffinworm have made what will surely be a contender for Heavy Album of the Year (I can’t even imagine a scenario where it wouldn’t finish in the top three).  I’ve been aware of Coffinworm for a couple of years now, but I never bothered to check them out until recently, which I now realize was a stupid, stupid thing to do.  The fact that frontman Dave Britts is a former member of genre-defying noisy metallic Bloomington, Indiana-by-way-of-Indianapolis, Indiana juggernaut Racebannon should have been enough to make me listen, but I am sometimes dumb about checking out new bands.  What’s important is that I picked up a copy of their latest album a few days ago, and holy motherfucking shit, friends, that sumbitch is good.

IV.I.VIII combines the dense, multi-layered, off-kilter riffs of label mates Portal with the bombast and aggression of Today is the Day and drags them through the swamp where members of Eyehategod are hanging around getting high, then forces it through a doomy Midwestern sieve.  This album sounds like being pursued through the woods on a foggy half-moon night just after a thunderstorm rolled through and brought a massive cold front.  Or maybe that’s just me.  There are times when the album feels downright oppressive and starts to become almost suffocating, but in a good way (which doesn’t seem to make sense, but it really does, when you hear it).

The soundtrack to mankind’s undoing is IV.I.VIII.  All hope is lost.  Let the chaos take you away.

Here’s a sample:

“Instant Death Syndrome” from IV.I.VIII

In conclusion, if you enjoy blistering noise jammed into in your festering riffs and bloodcurdling screams, and you enjoy being terrified by the sounds coming out of your speakers, you should not hesitate to purchase IV.I.VIII, preferably from your local music shop, and listen to it as loud as possible.

"I heartily endorse this event or product."

“I heartily endorse this event or product.”

If you follow my advice and pick up this album, it will not be at all difficult for you to stay heavy.

http://profoundlorerecords.bandcamp.com/album/iv-i-viii

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Epilogue: Songs from the bands I referenced above, in case you haven’t heard them.

“Curtain” by Portal, from Vexovoid (2013) – This video is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.  I could watch it all day.

“Death Curse” by Today is the Day, from Pain is a Warning (2011) – Motherfucking bombast!

“My Name Is God (I Hate You)” by Eyehategod, from Dopesick (1996) – This song wants to hurt you.